Dad was very specific about how he wanted his funeral to look. He left us pages of instructions in his barely legible script, complete with diagrams. Instructions from Dad – for anything – always had to include diagrams. And yet despite the details, his wishes were absolutely in keeping with how he lived his life – quiet, private, simple.
And so what we have to say is not going to be a timeline of sweeping accomplishments or public acknowledgements.
But that is not to diminish his considerable achievements. He came from next to nothing and built a solid life for us, his family; and as we sat and told our stories of Dad, it was clear how his early experiences really shaped the values he developed for himself and that he tried to instil in us.
Growing up, Dad and his sister Monica’s family life was fragmented, to say the least. They were a family who had next to nothing, moved frequently and were periodically pulled apart. Only later in life did we really understand quite how little they had.
Dad’s response to this was to be a great provider. He was always concerned that our family should have enough, and though he wasn’t seeking to provide us with excess, we never wanted for anything.
Coming from a small family that always had so little, Dad held fast onto the few traditions that they were able to carry with them. For example, the traditions we have followed around Christmas for our whole lives came not only from Mum’s Polish customs, but Granny Karin’s Swedish ones also. We played the same music, and kept the same decorations, and built on this year by year to now pass the same onto our own children.
The small family facing their ups and downs meant that Dad and Monica had to rely on one another. Far too young, Monica found herself looking after the pair of them for short periods; and it is testament to their bond that she has again been with him, caring for him in his last few months, sharing old stories and memories. Despite the larger age gap between us, Dad always encouraged us to be close – as he said “to have one another to lean on”. He has always been so proud of our relationship and told us so regularly.
The rollercoaster of Dad’s childhood and unfortunate circumstances led to Dad and Monica being fostered in Sweden, and Dad was incredibly fortunate to find himself in the care of the Bengtsson Family. Here with Greta, Albert, Britt – and of course Berndt who joins us online today – Dad found a calm, stable, and strong family that welcomed him in and made him one of their own. Greta was truly a second mother to him.
He wanted this model of family life for his own future and worked hard to try to build that for us. The impact that the Bengtssons, their cousins and other friends in the Varberg area, made on his life cannot be understated, and his love of Sweden and the peace it gave stayed with him.
And so Dad would have happily lived out his life deep in a Swedish forest, but as this was not necessarily Mum’s ideal, they settled for negotiating over how many trees he could grow in the garden. He would optimistically plant acorns and chestnuts, whilst she would surreptitiously replant the resulting seedlings in the park and blame the squirrel that visited the garden. Dad’s stubborn streak meant that he wasn’t going to give up trying though.
Because his childhood was so inconsistent, Dad once counted that he’d been to 13 different schools – pretty much a different one every year. That would be shocking to most parents these days, as would his not even having a book to call his own until he was almost in secondary school.
The fact then that he got so far professionally speaks volumes to his determination, and also drove him to ensure that his children had the best education that he and Mum could provide. For himself, he didn’t write off learning as some do when their schooling is so spotty. On the contrary, he was a lifelong student who loved watching documentaries and ordering more books to read up on his favourite subjects of history, science and technology.
And so when, after retiring, he retrained in IT and landed a job in support at Oxford University Library Services, he could not have been more excited. The job role itself almost became a sideline to his endless fascination with the contents of those libraries, and of course the librarians were only too pleased to have an eager audience.
It’s fair to say that Dad’s parents’ marriage was not something to aspire to. His experiences during his early life meant that, when it came to his own marriage, he was clear that he didn’t want the same ending. Dad and Mum were undoubtedly a clash of characters – polar opposites who met on a chance encounter that very nearly didn’t happen. Of course there were ups and downs in their relationship but, quite simply, he adored her.
He was immensely proud of everything that Mum achieved and he was right there, by her side through it all – whether that was in their Rotary activities, or pounding the streets of Bicester during election campaigns and giggling about his official title of “Mayor’s Consort” when she was the Mayor of Bicester. They were married for 47 and 1/2 years and he missed her desperately these last 3 since she died.
Obviously, every marriage leaves it’s mark but among the passions they truly shared were their loves of music and of traveling. Dad may not have had Mum’s opportunities for learning to play an instrument, and he’d not listened to any classical music until she brought it into their home and started taking him to concerts. But he loved early rock-and-roll and was really good at jiving – indeed he and Monica used to enter competitions. So, while he couldn’t hold a note, he really enjoyed listening to those with beautiful voices.
The fact that Dad had travelled to Sweden or Poland in his childhood and younger years was unusual in his neck of the woods. He was fascinated with other cultures though and as soon as they could afford to do so, the pair of them were off around the world.
He and Mum went on some amazing trips. They would bring back with them stories of their experiences, new cuisines they’d loved and the recipes we all just had to try out – oh, and new additions to their collection of random souvenirs!
The photos and souvenirs we will now sort through trigger the stories we want our kids to remember of Grandpa Lars and Babcia’s adventures around the world, and to inspire them accordingly.
Dad was a great Grandpa. This actually was something of a revelation to us, but he really was amazing.
When the children were tiny babies, Grandpa La’s quiet calm was exactly what they needed to drift off to sleep on him – and also an opportunity for Dad to grab a quick nap on the sofa without being chided for it! As they grew up, Dad was right there in the thick of it, on the floor in the princess tent having pretend tea, or leaving the kids in fits of giggles as he danced with them to Swan Lake around the sitting room.
Along with his shared connection with Joseph of fostering, he was immensely proud of the four of them and their achievements.
It is now the memories of Grandpa that our children hold and the stories we tell them that will keep Dad alive for our families. So what do we want them to know?
We want them to remember a man of quiet passions, and a strong sense of what is fair and right in the world. A man who loved dearly and has never stopped learning. We can only hope that they will do the same.